I was standing on the edge of the largest slum in Africa. I had only been in there a few times. Always escorted by a protective group of slum Pastors. Now it was for me to find the way myself. I had arrived after a few months in the States, sharing the initial vision for a Bible School Ministry. We were sent back to Kenya to start the new work that God had impressed upon our hearts. And now the decisive moment had arrived. “Where?” and “How?” to begin.
At a moment when I should have felt inspired and motivated, I instead sensed nothing short of panic. I felt Abandoned. The slum Pastors were not with me. They were somewhere in that enormous slum named Kibera. Marcia was not with me. It was simply too dangerous and purposeless at this point. She kept vigil at the guest house where we were staying. She was Alone...with God. Pleading with God that I would be able to “find” the slum Pastors whom I had met several months before. But “How” would I find them? Only one pastor had a cell phone, and he wasn’t answering. And even if he did, his English was a bad as my Kiswahili. I never felt so lonely, so intimidated, so anxious, so utterly Abandoned by God.
Looking at the sea of rusted sheet metal shacks, with no discernable differences, I panicked. My hands began shaking, my heart raced and tears began welling in my eyes. To say that I was out of my comfort zone, would be an understatement of biblical proportions. I was in a full-blown anxiety attack. I prayed one of those “once in a lifetime” prayers. One born out of primal desperation and despair. One whose answer (or lack thereof) has lifelong implications. The Prayer of an Abandoned Soul...
“God, You brought me to this point. You called me here. That much I know. I need a miracle. I cannot find these Pastors. But you know exactly where they are. Please do something.”
The Road with Jesus is Lonely. And it’s getting increasingly Lonely in this generation to follow Him. But should it be any different for us than it was for Him? He prayed in the garden alone. (The disciples slept.) He was arrested alone. (“All the disciples forsook Him and fled.”) He went to the cross alone. (No one joined Him in a comradery of collective punishment.) He hung on the cross alone. (His friend, family, and disciples “stood at a distance.”) And for the sins He carried, He was judged by God....naked and Alone
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”
“Come now, and let us Reason together,” says the Lord...
It’s in our moments of unshared, unsupported Loneliness that God meets us...on His terms. Moses at the burning bush. Jacob in the desert. Jonah in the whale. Ruth in the field. These saints of old were not Lost. They were Found! It was in pivotal Moments of Isolation that they encountered the life changing Presence of God. Not in some metaphysical, mystical meditative mode that some erroneously call “practicing the Presence of God.” Be careful of imitations. “Contemplative Meditation” is nothing less than an “emptying” of the mind...that it might be occupied by such evil imposters. Every pagan religion of the world engages in such “emptying” practices...from the indigenous witchdoctor to the ascetic monk. Deliberately, purposely self-imposed Abandoned minds...“open” to anything and everything. And what comes in is truly horrific. Mind-numbing, soul- destroying, life-taking demons and their doctrines.
The Presence of the True and Living God is polar opposite in every regard . God expects us to seek HIM...not an experience, not a state of mind, not self-fulfillment. He admonishes us to meditate on His Word...not some hypnotic mantra. He directs us to intensely engage our mind...not empty it!
“Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be Found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from your captivity...”
It’s about Him. Not us. Let’s us be mindful how we seek Him. If we follow what most people do, we will go where most people are headed. A Biblical approach to God Embraces the singlemindedness, indeed the Loneliness, of being a Christ-follower..
“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.”
Let us not mischaracterize Loneliness as being Abandoned by God. To think God has left His children to their own devices is simply blasphemous.
“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
In spite of global high-speed “interconnectivity,” Isolation abounds these days. The widow, the shut-in, the latch- key kid, the orphan, the spouse in a loveless marriage, the child shuttled to another foster home, the businessman on another plane to the next appointment, the homeschooling mom, the pastor without a confidante. All of us have experienced the intimidation and horror of Imposed Isolation and Loneliness. And the temptation is to imagine we are Abandoned by God as well.
It is in the absence of Carnal support, that we meet the Incarnate One. We who have been adopted into the family of God, through the work of Jesus Christ, are never Abandoned. We might very well be Lonely...but that is not Abandoned. In fact, it is often the very condition God ordains...that we might walk with Him all the more intimately.
Apparently God was not in Kibera that day. At least not for me. As I prepared myself to turn away and “go back,” I suddenly heard the shouts “Mzungu! Mzungu!” (Kiswahili for “white man”). It was the voice of children. Five little children of the slums. They saw me and ran towards me. Jumping up and down, pointing at me and rattling on in an unknown tongue. “Mzungu! Mzungu!” I didn’t know them. They acted as though they knew me. I said the only thing I could think of, and motioned with my hands: “Pastor! Bring Pastor!” They ran off at breakneck speed. I waited. I prayed again. Nothing happened. Clearly I had not inspired them. I had merely frightened them away
I turned and started walking back towards the main road. It was a disaster. Either I had let God down, or He had let me down. But either way, it was all a hopeless mess. Another shipwreck of my faith.
“Brother Paul! Brother Paul!!”
Pastor Wilson came racing up the mud path to catch me. One of the six pastors I originally met many months before! He caught up with me, as I was walking away from everything God had in store for me.
Another minute of faithless self-pity, and I would have missed God’s best for my life. God had not Abandoned me in the least. Rather He had lovingly removed every secular support structure I had built around me. That I might seek Him with all my heart. That I might fully rely upon Him...and Him alone. For the Lonely road ahead.
My circumstances had overpowered my Faith. And now I realized: I was not in the least Abandoned by God... rather, I was Embraced...
...as I had been all along.
